ASIDE from the death of my beloved bulldog, Biggles, decapitated by a boat propeller in Morecambe Bay in the summer of 1973, this comes as one of the hardest moments in Pub Spy’s long and, I think you’ll agree, immensely successful life. I know this will break many hearts, yours perhaps more than mine, but Pub Spy has decided to hang up his dubiously stained beer mat. I’ll keep it with the others, pinned to the noticeboard in my palatial garage.

I’ve decided to take a job as the editor of Car Parks Of Our Times, a glossy lifestyle publication based in the Cotswolds which makes the Worcester News look like badly decorated toilet paper. I want to make this clear from the start - I wasn’t sacked for getting outrageously drunk in the Punch Bowl in Ronkswood and being overly familiar with a female customer.

This is malicious gossip put about by that scoundrel Worcester News editor, Michael Purton. May he rot in hell.

I hear he is now going to send his 'reporters' 'Down the Pub' to interview landlords instead. No doubt it will be drivel. My resignation will take place with immediate effect. Don’t even bother begging me to stay.

Naturally many barmaids across Worcester will be devastated to learn that this suave old charmer, their favourite handsome devil, will no longer grace the pubs with his style, gravitas and tight-fitting polo necks (I saw you looking girls).

But ladies, just remember this – the Samaritans helpline runs 24 hours a day. Don’t do it.

You’re worth it. I’m sure in your dreams you will still see my flawless smile beaming back at you, that little wink that made you feel like you were the only girl in the world. In a way, you were. You all were.

I also know there will be a few (a very small number it must be said) who will not mourn my departure, who may even rejoice at this undeniably sad announcement. Weeping, I would lie awake at night in my hotel room with a box of tissues and wipe myself down, pondering the cruel and heartless comments these so-called ‘people’ left on the Worcester News website and on something called ‘Facebook’. Tell me, what was my crime? To share with you helpful comments like ‘salt and pepper were already on the table’ and my lyrically beautiful observations about people drinking ‘red cocktails’. I wasn’t bitten by Mad Pierre’s savage ginger tomcat, Archibald, in the Chestnut Tree in Lansdowne Road to suffer this sort of abuse. Readers, just because I have more money than you and drive a better car and live in a much bigger and more luxuriously furnished house, it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings, that I don’t hurt sometimes.

I can’t be the only person who appreciates a good pub car park with the surface adequately maintained, the bays clearly marked and the white lines regularly refreshed. By the way, one of the best pub car parks is located at the Crown Inn in Hallow, just outside Worcester. They really should get an award.

Why did readers have such a problem with me? Then it struck with the force of a pint glass hurled across a busy pub at an intensely annoying person. They were plebs, the same sort of people whinging about Worcester not having a Burger King. My genius was unfathomable to their simple minds. I would enter the annals (sic) of history.

They would pass unremembered, like grains of sand down the neck of an hourglass, lost in eternal and embittered obscurity.

But it’s time to drink up. I raise a glass to you, my fans. I love you but, alas, I must take my leave of you.

I’ve finished off my meal and Robbie Williams’ anthem No Regrets has started to play through the speakers.

The wit and wisdom of Pub Spy is legendary. It is said he is infallible, mainly by him.

Here is a list of the sleuth's favourite pubs. If you disagree with the list then 'you are very much in the wrong' says the great man.

(1) The Cardinal's Hat, Friar Street

(2) The Oil Basin, Copenhagen Street

(3) The Paul Pry, The Butts

(4) King Charles House, New Street

(5) The Bedwardine, Bromyard Road

6) The Dragon Inn, The Tything

(7) The Farriers Arms, Fish Street

(8) The Lamb and Flag, The Tything

(9) The Punch Bowl, Ronkswood.

(10) The Coach and Horses, The Tything